Alien Abduction - A javahead serial ...

[MakoShark]

... coming soon to a theater near you!

This is a story that began this past weekend, as three intrepid wanderers from CoffeeForums.com journeyed to the 2008 SCAA Show in Minneapolis.

Topher, CCafe and Stevekessler embarked upon a pilgrimage that was wrought with unexpected happenstance.

This is a SERIAL STORY. Anybody can join in with the story line, and take it any direction you wish. Just pick up the story line from the last entrant. Of course, stay within the standards of the forum as to language and content. And please try to make it pertinent to cafes, coffee and related topics.

I was inspired by an entry made Saturday by Caffe Biscotto:

Well, a year has come and gone since we last saw them as they were. CCafe and Stevekessler, lead by Topher of Boca Java fame, drove up the rugged snow covered mountains of the upper midwest, a year ago this past week.......

As the story goes, the three met in this forum and quickly joined forces in search of the perfect gourmet coffee exhibition to attend. On the road trip, while chatting about their favorite coffees, they picked up a seemingly harmless hitchhiker, who led them into uncharted territory......... Shocked

They were kidnapped by a scary horde of unkempt cave dwellers, who cared not for Topher's desperate offerings of fresh roasted Kona beans, as the coffee beans had no value to them. No, these mountain men (if they were human) were absolutely content with their current supply of freeze-dried instant coffees. Shocked

Something happened on that weekend in the mountains that can't be explained. To this day, the three coffee enthusiasts that we all knew and loved won't talk about their experience, not even through private messaging. It's almost as if it never happened. But we know......... oh we know that something eerie and inhuman took place on that weekend, a year ago.

You see, upon returning from their journey, members of this forum soon became suspicious of their characters. Rumors of them being alien clones overflowed the forum members private message boxes.

We may never know, but we will be listening and reading their posts to hopefully detect any coded messages between them that may tell the true story behind that unusual coffee conference weekend trip........

I continued on a different bent,

Oh my God!

Imagine our collective surprise and astonishment at the news that coffeeforums members had been abducted at the beginning of the SCAA show!

Little did we know until now that coffee roasters are actually portals to parallel galaxies. And we've been drinking their memory depleting serum unknowingly for all these years.

Oh sure, we blamed the coffee addiction on caffeine. Sure, that's why it helps us to wake up in the morning when we are sleeping. What we didn't realize is that the coffee was reconnecting us to the invaders from the "other world" by way of an invisible umbilical, by way of the coffee!

You roasters out there, you are really the alien captains of this world coffee revolution. Fess up! Finally the truth is out. SCAA means Scary Crazy Alien Argonauts.

How long did you think you could keep it from us?

Who will be next? And who will play the role of the audacious Topher in the upcoming movie version? Tom Cruise perhaps?

Mako Shark

 

[davidsbiscotti]

MakoShark, what have you Bean doing?

CCafe will surely kick us both out now, as soon as he gets over his Saint Patrick's Day hangover.

Okay, well in my opinion, only good things can come of our coffee stories. He has been acting a little strange since he came back from that trip too. I wonder what really happened in those mountains on the way to the SCAA show..............

 

[MakoShark]

Alien abduction!

You'll never convince me it wasn't Alien Abduction. I have information that the group was taken to Alpha Centauri. And they didn't return alone!

... No one took notice or even suspected that the green ooze permeating from Topher's Nikes might be a colony of millions of Centaurians. Soon they entered the soil and water tables in Minnesota where eventually they entered Lake Wobegon, turning the water an elegant shade of puce.

May swimmers of the Norwegian persuasion, who frequent this glorious watershed marveled at their buoyancy, as they floated atop the water like leaves in a stream...

Even now as Topher returns to the steam bath he calls home, the ooze is invading his turf!

Call out the guard!

Mako

 

[caffe biscotto]

They say home roasting is a rewarding hobby.
.......but it can get pretty smoky in the kitchen.

 

[MakoShark]

Abduction

Yes, I hadn't thought of that. It wouldn't be only the commercial roasters that are portals for the invasion. Home roasters would also become part of the diffusion.

The smoke from the roasting process is no doubt intended to disorient unsuspecting home roasters, so the invaders can "sign them up". Through the hot roasters emerge the pictured beings (thanks to Caffe Biscotto for this rare photo, taken at great risk), who then invade the body of the home roaster person through the ears.

Once the smoke clears the person has no recollection of the event. But he is changed. One by one, CoffeeForum members are being invaded!

Mako

 

[caffe biscotto]

Speaking of coffeeforum invaders, the photo above is actually one of the forum moderators, or I should say, forum assimilators.

I won't mention any names though and you're right, the photo was taken at the great risk of being discovered by one of the head aliens himself.

A difficult task it was, as you could imagine, to capture this rare coffee lovin' beast on film, while carefully stirring his beans in a pop corn popper. Luckily, through wit and slight of hand, I was able to escape when the second crack of the beans began to distract this silver-toothed creature of the netherworlds. Although, I hesitated for a moment, as I was tempted to stay a bit in hopes of enjoying a nice cup of freshly brewed coffee with the otherwise hospitable body snatcher.

But alas, I escaped and have not been assimilated.

In this part of the forum, we are safe and may openly discuss this odd alien take over with the assurance of not being found out by the moderators that be. They usually keep to the "Coffee Machines and Espresso Hardware" section of the forum. Obviously the "Coffee Roasters" section is also a popular hangout for them.

 

[MakoShark]

Alien abduction!

Caffe Biscotto, you are so brave! And so right. The Assimilator's lair would be the "Coffee Roasters" section.

Yes, that's where they do their plotting, in the roaster's section. And my friend, you were very lucky to have not been assimilated when you took the photo. The lure of freshly roasted coffee is like the nectar of the gods.

Of course we are all gradually slipping their way. We do occasionally find a bad cup of coffee. It's not that common for the seeker of what is known as specialty coffee. All personal preference aside, most coffee houses will have at least one good brew on the go for most every Javahead.

But the slope toward the interlopers is slippery and insidious. We are drawn by their excellence. Soon we'll be lost, with no hope of returning. That's when abduction is complete.

Alas, there is but one remedy. Oolong tea!

Mako

 

[caffe biscotto]

*shakes fist in a victorious manner*
Good work MakoShark!

So, there is a remedy for the alien coffee roasting cloning that has become a cancer to the forum.

Hmmm…… Oolong tea, I should have guessed. With its detoxifying properties, it’s sure to be the definite cure, however very difficult to find in this, a coffee forum.

*wipes a strange green ooze from his left shoe and takes another swig of freshly brewed Italian roast coffee*
I am emboldened by my recent encounter with one of these hideous gourmet coffee roasting creatures and look forward to my next attempt to find them where they sleep, that is if they sleep at all.

The intruders must be flushed out and brought into the open where they can no longer hide behind the anonymity of forum membership..........

 

[MakoShark]

Alien abduction!

Yes, that is the point. They never sleep! With abduction completed they have no need for sleep. When we are sleeping, they are plotting! And they never run out of green coffee to roast. NEVER.

Be careful not to confuse the green ooze with oolong tea. The mistake might be deadly. Imagine the effect your digestion system would have on the Centaurian Colonies that exist in the ooze, if you were it ingest it. Worse, imagine the effect the Colonies would have on your digestion system.

Abduction is meant to be breathed in through roaster smoke, or sipped in through the coffee brew. Never is the green ooze to be taken uncut through the stomach! The results would be catastrophic!

Stick to Oolong. You'll be fine. Just be careful out there.

Mako

 

[MakoShark]

Alien Coffee Chronicles

With Forrest Gump's revelation about black coffee, I need to dive a little deeper into the murky waters of Alien Abduction. Try as I may, I keep sliding deeper and deeper into this whirlpool of green ooze. My head is feeling dizzy. I don't know how long I can hold on...

Forest has stumbled upon something of extreme importance. He mentioned that

I drink my coffee black but when i do people look at me as though i were an alien.

To that, Caffe Biscotto replied,

Have you considered the remote possibility that you may very well be an alien?

Exactly! The insight to be gained here is that we should be observing a certain tell-tale sign of abducted humans: they drink their coffee black.

This may not be a perfect signal. There may be coffee drinkers (not yet abducted) who prefer their coffee black. But, I think we should suspect anybody from the forum who drinks their coffee sans sugar or cream.

... and don't forget the oolong.

Mako

 

[caffe biscotto]

Hang in there Mako, there is much work to be done here and I can’t do it alone. I need you to resist the green ooze, to deny it the satisfaction of cloning yet another coffee enthusiast.

Indeed, Forrest Gump’s post regarding black coffee could have been a call out to all those who have not yet been assimilated. Oh beware, you few innocent black coffee drinkers who would come to the aid of a newbie asking for help. Just think to yourself, why would people look at him as though he were an alien, if he is but a human like we?

Our efforts to bring them out from where they hide will be resisted by great forces, but we must forge on with coffee mugs in hand and victory in our minds.

Begun… the coffee alien clone wars have………

 

[MakoShark]

Alien Coffee Chronicles

It's so confusing. Do they drink their coffee black? Are they human? Why can't they just wear their green ooze on their sleeves instead of on their shoes?

This is what Caffe Biscotto meant when he described our weary travelers, having been kidnapped by a scary horde of unkempt cave dwellers, creating suspicion among members of this forum about their character.

Are they human? Are they alien? Or some mutant combination....

You know, I've been advocating oolong tea as a possible remedy for the invasion. But an uncomfortable thought just entered my mind...

Have you ever heard of Bubble Tea? I think those Babbas that are so loved may actually be alien plants! What if they're working through the tea as well!!

OH MY GOD!!! This may be worse that we originally imagined!

Mako

 

[CCafe]

Sigh...... We have dove much deeper in your society then you truly think. I like to think of the forums much more like the Matrix and you are merely checking in so we can monitor your progress........

 

[caffe biscotto]

After being found out by the head moderator/assimilator himself, CCafe, the two surviving humans were taken to a part of the forum where, until then, only admin. were allowed.

There, they saw Topher and Steve Kessler in all their green ooze glory, roasting large amounts of Kona beans in large industrial-sized drum roasters. This was the coffee forum matrix room where humans were processed into coffee aliens.

Mako Shark and Caffe Biscotto were never to be seen again...... At least, not the way they were..........

 

[MakoShark]

I'm sinking! Aliens ... are... choking ....

... I can't breath ... the aliens ... have taken me ... back to their coffee portal ... Caffe Biscotto, help!

I'm floating. My heart is racing, then slowing, then stopping. But now I can still breath. I'm floating. I'm surrounded by clouds of many colors. I think I'm hallucinating. Images of coffee plantations and coffee roasters and all imagery coffee and cafe are flying by me. I don't know where I am.

Oh Caffe Biscotto, Save me from the alien moderators! When did they get to where they are? When did the aliens first appear? There must have been signals. But nobody was watching. Now it's ... too late!

I have to hold onto my sanity! I can't give in! Caffe Biscotto, I ... need ... OOLONG TEA! Send it to me! Pour it into my ears! I ... must ... hold on!

There is still time. PLEASE HELP!

Mako